Tough Day

(Hey look!  The blog is now back in real time!)  

Yesterday (7/20/19, in truth) was kind of a tough day.  It was bill-pay-day, and usually it’s a very motivating day each month.  Usually I get a rush when each payment confirmation number pops up.  Usually I feel like a complete badass, calculating what percent of my net income I’ve managed to use toward debt.  

But yesterday was tough, because for the second month in a row, my income has been lower and my percentage used toward debt has dropped.  (51% June, 46% July)  I’ve lost some momentum toward my goal.  

In one sense, my lower income is a measure of improvement and integrity: I’m getting more efficient at my job, and I’m not the kind of person who milks the timeclock.  Once I’ve finished my responsibilities, I look around for more that I can do to support my co-workers, but sometimes there isn’t anything pressing.  I feel horribly guilty if I drag tasks out, just to stretch my work to my scheduled hours.  I realize I’m scheduled for these hours, so my employer is willing to pay them.  But I just can’t.  

And as a dedicated homebody… when I’m done, it’s time for sweatpants, my friends!  

But the effect is clear when I look at my paycheck stubs.  Several hours less in each pay period makes a difference, between $50-80.  I used to live a very inflated lifestyle, and “losing track” of $50 or more wasn’t uncommon.  Often multiple times in a month.  I look back on those days with embarrassment.  How much progress I could have made, and SO MUCH EASIER than what it takes now!  

However.  All is not innocence and grit, my dears.  Not by far.  You see, in this same time, I also opened a rewards credit card account.  I began paying my bills with it, since I’m going to pay them anyway, and a credit card is safer, and hey, I’ll accumulate a nice REI dividend.  

All of this is true.  I have, and I will, always pay the full balance every month.  But I bet you can see where this is going.  

I have succumbed to the illusion that I have more money.  When paychecks show the truth: I have less.  I went out for food and drinks a few times, far exceeding the budgeted amount for that.  I discovered I “needed” things sooner than I really did - oops, shampoo is getting low (instead of watering it down at least once), and look at this fancy one (at twice the cost)!  

Seeing my behavior with a credit card is a good wake-up call.  I am a recovering spender, no question.  I need to describe this in detail here, and recommit to what I need to do.  If I’m going to be finished with this debt by the time I turn 40 (40!! some people are retired by 40!), then I need to pony up about $1500 each month across the two loans.  For the next 36 months.  Right now, my net income hovers just under $2000 each month.  This is, let’s say, a snug fit.  And that is a larger payment than I have yet managed, while at this job, even before these summer follies.  So no matter what my “available credit” might whisper to me, I actually do not have money for unbudgeted extras!  (Yes, increasing my income is on the agenda.  asap.)  

Here’s the crazy thing - I knew all along exactly what I was doing, and how I would probably feel on bill-pay-day.  Spending more money these last two months has not made me happier or actually improved my life.  I can recall that every unbudgeted transaction was riddled with remorse: before, during, and after, thus neutralizing or obliterating even the tiny dopamine hit of a new thing.  

What exactly was happening?  I let the illusion of having more money encroach on my contentment.  Because I am truly happy and grateful and excited about my life, even in this marathon season of debt pay-down.  But I began mentally inflating my lifestyle once again, dwelling in fantasies of how cool it would be to have this or that thing… that I never needed or even thought of before.  Items that, of course in saner moods, minimalist-me, I know I would need to keep somewhere and clean and pack up and move with in the future, and ugh.  Excess stuff.  *shudder* 

I let the illusion of more money encroach on my contentment and gratitude.  When I opened that rewards card account, this was a battle I didn’t foresee.  I actually (haha) thought I was reformed and past such temptation.  I have been working so hard and I think about my goals every day!  How could such an obvious blunder as a credit card get me?!  

Apparently you can be a big fan of living a life that fits into a bedroom (and the back of a 4Runner), and also a recovering consumer-junkie at the same time.  Simul justus et peccator, amiright?  

I’ll be looking forward to posting here in a month, with a much-improved percentage.  Anticipating that post will help me stay focused.  And while it feels undignified, there are a few things I’ll do to protect my money from myself:  First, I’ll leave my wallet at home unless it is a day to purchase something that is in my budget.  Second, I’m going to look at my budget every morning, and remember what is at stake.  As the next bill-pay-day approaches, I might even be excited for it.  

And third and finally, I’m going to be grateful!  This season of my life is amazing.  I am in a beautiful place, with my loving family, an inspiring church, six adorable chickens to spoil, and MILES of back roads that I have yet to cycle.  I have everything I need and more.  The day is getting less tough already.