Much Better Day :)

As many people say, back where I’m from, uff da.  I have been doing some hard work!  

In my previous post, I faced the ugly truth that having access to a credit card was a little doorway to trouble, for me.  

The recovery has been slow, but thorough.  In August and September I got back up to using over 50% of my net income for debt payment.  And now, October, nearly 72%!  

I feel a little silly to need this discipline, but, I leave my wallet at home most of the time now.  Without access to my funds, I have to sit with and notice my impulses to buy something (lookin’ at you, chicharrones).  I don’t have the option of instant gratification and then forgetting the incident until I look at my statements. 

I can’t claim that this is making me less of a spender.  That’s clearly my tendency.  But it is putting a necessary, hard boundary around that shit.  Humbling, and good.  

Another hard work part of this was that in both August and September, I got hired for some dog- and house-sitting, and a massive deep-cleaning job for a rental property that was between tenants.  This helped relieve the financial pickle I was creating, and got me a month ahead on my rent!  Cha-ching!  

So.  On the blog aspect “getting out of debt,” there’s a little progress to note.  Gold star, Cara, good job.  :)  

What about the rest?  “A former pastor,” and “in a fast slow lane”?  

Well I’m still… a former pastor.  (Shock, right?!)  Gaining perspective and insights constantly, regarding my own experiences as a minister, and as a Christian to this day.  

For this blog, I’ve been outlining and pondering a series of posts about the church.  I think it will be 5 parts, I’d like to trim it down if I can.  I recently saw an article that might make an introductory foil for what I’m going to try to say.  

When it comes to writing about the church though, I become suddenly and completely exhausted.  I am anxious what my dear friends who are pastors will think, and I worry that I am so out of the loop on current church conversations, my piece will land with a sloppy thud and possibly be misunderstood.  I miss you guys and gals.  I have nothing like our relationships in my life anymore - seminary bonds, collegial camaraderie, and all that gallows humor.  

Here’s an ask: my friends who are reading this, and our connection is church leadership or seminary, let me know if I can send you drafts of this forthcoming series.  The parts remain outlines for now, so this is not something I’ll dump on you anytime soon.  But I’d really appreciate eyes on it, besides my own, of people who are “in the trenches,” so to speak.  

And how’s the fast slow lane?  It’s a fine pace for now.  

This aspect of my blog grew from two inspirations: when I began, I’d recently started riding a scooter and I literally had to stick to slow lanes.  

My Ruckus tops at about 40 mph.  I still have it, and I still LOVE it!  Just last week, I gave it some maintenance-attention and wrapped it up for the winter. 

The other inspiration for “in a fast slow lane” was an article about privilege in society, as analogous to drivers’ and cyclists’ experiences, each navigating their routes, in a system built for vehicles.  As a cyclist I can tell you, it’s a visceral, infuriating, terrifying thing when vehicles come close, or when you see a driver veering while clearly distracted by a phone.  Like, I’m here too, and I have a right to be!  Don’t you see me??? 

By all accounts from those who dwell in a difficult social location in this country, it’s a visceral, infuriating, and terrifying thing when people with more power (cluelessly or intentionally) bulldoze right through.  Don’t they see???  

On this blog I had wanted to occasionally reflect on wider social or world issues, and the ways I understood them, using the blog to open up conversation and listen to people who see/experience the world otherwise.  But, I haven’t.  

A two-fold confession.  1) I haven’t brought up anything like that, out of plain old fear.  The internet isn’t known for its gracious back-and-forths these days.  I’ve been afraid to enter the fray, and put myself out there.  Partly because 2) I can tell that I have changed.  I’m not as full of certainty about my opinions as I once was, especially on ideas as big as all of society.  The things I would be most willing to enter the fray and hash out, I know the least about, and no one ought to be subjected to my passionate ignorance.  (You’re welcome.)  

This is not to say I’m unwilling to take any stands.  It is to say, I’ll take stands with my living, and not as much on a blog with all of a dozen views.  (but, thank you, dozen!)  I think the subtle changes and nuances of opinion that I’ve embraced will show from time to time.  Maybe they’ll surprise.  I just wish we had actual time together to talk about how our lives are shaping us. 

So we continue!  A former pastor, getting out of debt, in a fast slow lane.  Slightly muffled by insecurity, tempered by experience.  Mostly, grateful.  I hope you are well! 

C